Smile Smile
by PlatinumPlayer
Summary: Naruko struggles to stay strong in a unfair world out to get her. A mature darker take on the Naruto Universe with a Female Naruto. No Current pairing, possible Yuri later. AU FemNaru
1. Chapter 1

Smile Smile

Notes: This is a new story, i know i have half a dozen popular unfinished ones but bear with me. My writing style has changed radically recently and this is a trial run to explore it. Any comments on the style, no purely the story, would be appreciated. SEEKING BETA READER

WARNING: I am dyslexic and lack a proof reader so expect errors such as wrong word usage and oddly structured phrases.

Chapter 1

A trembled racked my body fuelled by a sting of emotion that drowned my mind and clouded my vision.

"Congratulations." the instructor said as he awarded another.

"Thank you." The student bowed low in gratitude.

Anger bubbled and boiled inside of me building into a rage that I knew would not last. It would flare and dance wildly but like a wildfire suffocate itself under its own heat and leave me with nothing but ash.

"Congratulations." The instruct spoke again stepping further down the line.

"Thank you." Another undeserving voice accepted.

It was not fair, none of this was fair. Why them, why not me? My hands that where already fists clenched tighter still. My fingers screamed in protest threatening to buckle under the stress but it fell on deaf ears.

"Congratulations, you did well." The instruction to my left now patted an especially gifted student on the shoulder.

"Thank you." The student bowed curt and deep accepting his reward.

My jaw strained and my teeth grit, eyes squinted in the effort to hold back a flood of tears. No! I would not cry, no matter what, I would not cry! I would endure like a leaf accepting the howling winds and find comfort that it could not harm me.

"I'm Sorry. Better luck next year." The instructor who now stood before me spoke hollow with a hint of distaste staring down his nose. His scorn and prejudice displayed for all to see and none would fault him.

"Thank you." So hard to say but I managed bowed with my face contorted in grotesque rage. My body felt on fire and a cold sweat trickled down my spine, I could no longer see. White pure blinding white filled my vision as dampness flooded my palms. Not sweat but blood, my nails gouging my skin demanding punishment for my passiveness.

They stole it from me, Took what I hard earned, what I had disserved. They had no right, they were in the wrong. Where was the justice, the fairness? My breath hitched as I nearly lost it for a moment, the instructor spared a violent assault from my will alone. He remained ever present. He wanted to enjoy it this, his triumph over me. To take his sick pleasure at my loss.

Endure... I must. Appease him, show him I am beaten. Don't let him see the fire, the hate. He will suffer for what he's done, but not today. Today was his day, let him have it. Endure! Endure!

An eternity passed and still he remained. The sun fell and rose, the stars twinkled and the moon sank. Eons passed, the world crumbled and he still remained.

Leave me! Have you not taken everything from me? My honour, my dignity? Do you intend to take my very soul next? My vision blazed in white began to fill with black voids. They where gateways sucking away my consciousness, my life. If he would not move then I would make him..

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

Breath exploded from my lungs I did not know I had kept. He had moved and I stood strait and proud even as my eyelid fluttered violently from the burning ache to cry. Do not cry, do not falter. I am strong, I will survive.

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

Again and again the phrases filled the air. To my ears they where no longer praise and gratitude but sneers and mocking, laughter. More laughter filled the air, over and over. Each and every one circling me with the arms outstretched pointing and staring. Stop it... stop it... Stop it!

"That is the end of the ceremonies. Everyone is dismissed." A mediator spoke and his words were like a blade cutting the strings that held my body up like a marionette. Around me laughter and excitement erupted as the thumps and echoes of feet carried their owners from the room.

Alone at last. My legs gave out as my knees fell hard to the unforgiving floor, the pain a comfort. Soon my fists tainted with my blood joined them along with my long flowing hair as I hung my head in true defeat. Despite all my attempts I could not stop them, not a single one. My tears trickled freely, silently, streaming down my cheeks and nose and falling to the floor with the softest of sounds.

I had thought myself prepared, thought myself strong enough. I had been wrong. This pain I felt, this pain was death itself. Had I hoped for a miracle? I must have because pain such as this could only have been born form such a whimsical dream.

I remained till my body stopped trembling, my tears stopped flowing, and I let out a hoarse shaky breath. I had not cried, a small victory. My tears where just a physical reaction nothing more. No cry of weakness or rage had left my lips, of anguish of betrayal. I had not cried.

Standing was difficult, my emotions weighting on my back like the Konaha mountains. One leg then the next, one step then another. I whipped my eyes and set my back straight, I was strong, proud. The hallway was sparse of students except friends congratulating one another. They stared and I ignored. The schoolyard empty, I felt relief. Only a few more steps and freedom would be mine.

At last. Passing the gate to the ninja academy it was like a barrier that sucked away all my emotions and pain, my foot meeting the street. It was done and I had survived. Home is where I longed to be but my pride would not allow it. No I would show them, show them all I was no little girl to run home and cry under her sheets.

I turned and began a familiar path I had walked many times. It would lead me to Ichiraku Ramen, a ramen stand I knew well and held fondness for. If not for the food then the proprietor who in this village of hated and distrust favoured me with a gentleness I had not found anywhere else.

"Welcome! What can I get you?" Teuchi smiled broad and happy turning from the cookers to greet me. immediately he saw though my tough act as always and his expression hardened. Without a word he forced a bowl before me, pork ramen, my favourite.

"Eat." he commanded in a sympathetic voice but left no room for argument and I gave none. Sliding onto a stool I sat before the steaming bowl, opened a pair of chopsticks, and ate. Before I had half finished he generously added another cup fob broth and two pork cutlets to the bowl. A rare gesture even from him.

"How'd it go?" He asked.

"I'll survive." I replied feeling much better now that my stomach was warmed.

"Well that's debatable." He frowned and turned to the cookers to tend the broth. He was always like this and it warmed me as much as the food. He never pushed, he never accused, he just accepted. No one else within the village treated me like he did and for a moment my eyes itched again with tears.

"I was the only one." I stated and him knowing the context gave a heavy nod not turning to meet my gaze.

"He said... better luck next year." My words where soft and tired but this time it was enough to make him look over his shoulder favouring me with one eye.

"Did he now?" He questioned rhetorically and looked back at the burners. "That makes the third time."

"Keeping count?" I scowled hatefully but immediately felt shame for my outburst towards him of all people. He gave a soft laugh and let it slide without comment. I continued to eat and soon finished.

"On the house." He commanded as I pulled money free, his back to me. I ignored him and left the proper sum, extra broth and cutlet included. He rubbed the back of his head and sighed heavy in exasperation but posed no argument. I left.

There, I was done. No one could say I ran home and hid now, I had put in my appearance. I had shown everyone I was strong enough to take the blow and continue to stand tall, no one could say otherwise. But now I truly longed for home and did not fight my feet as they carried me there.

My room mirrored my soul to a spade, worn and abused. Cracked walls and fading pain greeted me as I entered. To any other it would feel oppressive and confining but to me this was my home, my space. There was no other place in all of my world I did not cherish as much as this one. My sanctuary.

My stride took me from the tiny entranceway where a small cupboard and the beginnings of my kitchen sat. The rest of my home opened before me, a single large room that was a mess with tossed clothing and assort possessions of little note. To the far right of the room against the same wall the cupboard was set in was another tiny room, the bath unit.

I considered relaxing in there and washing away the cold sweat that had come over me from the days event but declined. No warmth was not what I desired only comfort. My room would have to bear with me as I cluttered it further.

My mask was the first thing I discarded, it had covered my neck up to the bridge of my nose with black durable elastic fabric. It was followed by the cloth wrappings that had been bound around each of my wrists and the lose sleeves of my orange gi top. The top met the floor as I moved onto the wrapping around my ankles and the matching lose orange gi bottoms. A cloth belt, black spandex one-piece body suit, sheathed sword and assorted concealed weapons, and my cloth chest wrapping later I flopped all but naked onto my bed, a traditional Japanese futon.

I lay in loincloth alone, not panties like would be suited to my gender but a twisted cloth wrapped between my thighs and over my hips with a generous portion untwisted and hanging like a cover down my front. The cool air from my wide open window caressed my burning back as my eyes looked distantly at nothing, obscured by wrinkles in my blanket.

This is what I needed, this right here. my eyes closed and my body relaxed, my hands fisting lightly in the protective threads of my blanket. I had no worries here, no fears. Even my open window posed me no alarm as all that would greet me though it was the dirty concrete wall that was within an arm's reach.

Sleep did not claim me and it would not for a time as it was still mid day. That thought as innocent as it was lead to less innocent questions. Sleep brought night, brought morning but was there a morning for me? Was there reason to wake, reason to test the darkness of sleep and return only to find my wakening world to be as empty as my dream one?

I turned, flipping onto my back and starred at my cobwebbed ceiling and the yellowed age-worn florescent bulb that had burnt out years ago never to be replaced. In my mind, me and it where one and the same. Burning brightly for so long with such determination, but in once instant blazed with glory and extinguished.

The bulb had suffered only once while I still lingered. Three times. Three. I had been extinguished three times. I wondered to myself if the bulb had thought would it pity me or feel sympathy for my pains? No, it was just a stupid light bulb stuck in my room with no knowledge of the world. If anything it would scorn me for not giving it a proper burial and letting its corpse hang for so long.

"Fine.. fine... I get it. Don't hate me any more Mr. Bulb." I sighed and rested an arm over my eyes, the other across my belly bellow my smallish breasts.

"I will change you tomorrow..." I promised but could feel the bulbs scornful glare still on me, I ignored it.

"Why?" The word surprised me filling the air. For the barest of moments I thought it was Mr. bulb morning my abandonment of it but no. It was my own voice mourning my own abandonment. I was abandoned, no perhaps that was not the word. I would have to have first belonged, been part of, to be abandoned. I had never been.

"Why am I hated." I asked aloud for the countless time and the answer returned as a bellowing silence. Since my earliest memories scorn and hostility was thrown upon me like confetti at a parade. The village the grand procession and me the only spectator. Each villager tossing a handful of color paper, their hatred, letting it bury me in a rising tide of abuse.

Stubborn as I am I wasn't content to simply be buried so I climbed. With each new handful of paper I climbed higher still standing above all, queen of the confetti pile. But I played by the rules because breaking them meant more confetti. The same was not true for the village however.

For so long I stood atop it all, the hate, the scorn but two years ago in great gust of wind knocked my feet out from under me casting me down into the pile to drown and be swallowed. But I persisted clawing my way back up.

The second time, a year ago. The wind returned but the pile had grown, doubled in size. I had choked and coughed suffocating under its weight but I endured and once more met daylight crawling above the mass proving to all I could take it and more.

This time... this time however. The pile could no longer be called a pile. Now a mountain existed and a great fissure had parted dropping me into an abyss I was not certain I could ever escape. This time the weight was too much, the pain to grand. I had no will left, no energy to dig my way out..

My fist slammed into my blanket as I grit my teeth, streams of water trickling down my cheeks. I trembled but I did not cry. I would not... I was proud, strong, I could survive this just like before. Just... I just needed a little time, a little time to catch my breath and gather my strength.

Crisis averted my breath shuddered from me, my fist unfurled, body relaxed and tears halted.

Spontaneously I stood and moved the short distance it was to the cupboard by the entrance way and retrieved a dusty new light bulb. I returned to Mr. Bulb and replaced him in silence pretending to hear his words of thanks and forgiveness. As if it were a symbolic gesture I did not simply toss Mr. bulb into the trash I gently guided him and set him on the bottom.

"Rest in peace." I spoke and felt a little better despite the ridiculousness of it all. A good deed done I felt energized despite the heavy burden I bore and decided to use it for good use. I sat at my small dining table and rested my chin in my hands as I closed my eyes to think.

How was it possible that I could be failed three years in a row from graduating the ninja academy when my ability were on par with many of the graduates. It was as clear now as it was the first time. They did not want me to advance, to graduate but why? It all came back to their unexplained hostility towards me.

Thousands of theory's had run though my mind over my eighteen years of life but none rung true or where impossible to prove. Paranoia aside there was a great secret no one talked about that involved her and it was the source of all her hardships. A secret so important that no one dare speak it... If only where was some record... wait.. what? A record?

I sat bolt upright in my seat as a cold sweat returned. How stupid could I be, just how blind and narrow was my vision. Of course, such a secret could not be kept without enforcement and enforcement was ordained by the annals and rules set by the council. If a law was passed forbidding speaking of the matter a record of it would exist with a one hundred present certainty.

"The hokage tower." the words passed my lips as the rage i thought burnt out returned from kindling and i greedily fed it. I felt dizzy as I stood, the room spinning but I felt no unbalance. I redressed and left in a daze, my destination set, my goal etched in stone.

I was no stranger to the tower nor it to me. Dozens of occasions I was dragged before the Hokage himself on complains and accusations from the village or instructors. They demanded punishments for crimes and acts I had no awareness or knowledge of but often they got their way. The Hokage was always lenient and I suspected he knew the validity of the charges against me. However that had never stopped him from punishing me and was the primary reason I held no love for him.

Records, fourth floor I remembered. It would be a risk, the record room was attached to the hokages office itself. If he was there or worse, looking thought he records himself, i had little chance of finding what i desired. He might not mind me reviewing law scrolls but he most certainly would if i peeked at the forbidden scrolls which is where such a unique law would be hidden.

Ninjas came and went regularly so no one cast me a second glance as I entered and scaled the tower. Some favoured me with distrust or amusement, perhaps at my failure to graduate, but none stopped me.

Fourth floor, record. I entered. Nothing jumped out at me and I could sense the room was vacant of all but me. Good, I needed some time to find what I needed. As an afterthought I collected a sturdy wooden chair and braced it under the handle of the door. If someone where to attempt entry from the hall they would assume the room locked or stuck. Either case would give me enough to conceal my activities. I did not dare do the same to the hokages door which remained solidly shut.

Records... records... authorized personnel only... forbidden to all but hokakge. There! if it existed it would be among those. Only three scrolls sat upon the shelf but each was like a great log cut from a tree. Techniques, treaties, forbidden. The first two scrolls didn't give me hope but the third sounded vague enough to risk punishment. Collecting it i hefted it from the shelf, heavy, but I had expected it.

"Oh Kino is that you in here, I have need of..." The hokages door swung upon smooth and easily as if oiled giving me no warning what so ever. The hokage himself stared at me inquisitively having expected someone else, the scroll wrapped in my arms.

"Naruko? What are you doing there?" He asked but his tone had an edge to it i had never heard. i panicked.

"Shadow clone!" I cried forming hand seals, in an instant four of me filled the room and we scattered for every exit. The scroll dropped and abandoned on the floor. As expected the old man underestimated me like everyone else and used a binding jutsu to capture two of my clones that fled thought the further exit from him. His next target was the one that had leapt though the open window. His poor choices in targets was perfect as he never expected me to bolt right past him through his office and out his window.

My escape was not complete just yet however as the hokage gave chase. Clear by the techniques he used he had no intention in harming me he only wanted to apprehend me. Most likely to get a full explanation of my crime.

I grinned as my clones did an excellent job, especially the one who lead the hokage away out his own window. I returned to my normal shape from the abandoned scroll which had been the real me the entire time. I promptly fled though the doors to the inner tower and found and escape route in the opposite direction.

The hokage would realize my ruse very quickly so I had to make distance, I knew I would be caught and this time the punishment would not be a slap on the wrist. If the scroll held the reason for my headships i would proudly walk naked down the street to my own execution.


	2. Chapter 2

Smile Smile

Chapter 2

"I'd never thought I'd see the day." A masked man laughed as he blocked my forward path perched atop a tree limb I had intended to leap to. He was not alone, around me two others encircled waiting for command to strike.

"Get out of my way." I growled in threat crouched low and ready for fight or flight. The forbidden scroll was strapped to my back now and hindered my movements but I would manage, I must.

"You hear that, she's telling us to get outta her way!" The same man laughed again and slapped his thigh at the hilarity. They weren't taking her serious, they didn't even consider her a threat. A three time failure at the academy. Good, let them think that, it would be their fatal mistake.

"Oh no whatever shawl we do. The girls bearing her teeth, watch out she might bite." Another of the men goaded but his voice was twisted and tense with excitement. That one no doubt wanted to draw blood and fully intended it, orders or not.

"I won't ask again." I hissed and the three men narrowed their eyes. Fine, have it your way but don't cry when I beat you.

I bolted to me right along the forest floor and the third man, no woman, attempted to intercept me. I had sensed her hesitation, her concern, her weakness. For whatever reason the woman did not want to harm me but sadly I had every intention of harming her.

She blocked my path hand on undrawn weapon, no hesitation. I blurred forward and stuck, first the legs with my own. Then her throat with fist as she began to fall. The action swift and efficient, the woman incapacitated chocking and straining for breath. No harm done, but ability to fight was now zero.

The two men hollered hot on my heals and I ran like the wind. Swift and fast flowing between the trees as if it was the most natural thing in my existence. A phantom, a wrath, silent as a gentle breeze but as swift as a raging river.

"Leave her." The blood thirsty man commanded to his companion who had hesitated in favour of aiding their downed ally. He complied reluctantly and joined the chase but a distance behind. Good, that gave me breathing room with dealing with the next conflict. Together they where a danger, alone they where manageable.

"You're going to pay girl." The blood thirst man laughed in confidence as his long strides slowly shrunk the distance between us. I grit my teeth, the scroll was so heavy and it slowed me to such an extreme. No this was good, I needed them to catch me so I could take them by surprise. I couldn't let them return to the village and inform my whereabouts.

The man leapt, the distance conquered. His blade cutting though the air and my hair alike. I witnessed out the corner of my eye the death of a great lock of hair as it exploded in the wind. My rage return to me and I let it be the fuel for my counterattack.

The man pushed forward again intent on more hair or the first spray of blood. I gave him no chance. I doubled forward stopping almost dead in my tracks the blade passing harmlessly overhead as the man sneered forced to leap over me or collide and risk injury. I planted a hand in the ground and with all the strength in my body I shot my revenge directly into his jaw as he soared overhead.

My leg had risen vertical slamming my foot into his face and supported by my spring wound body I pushed up off the ground fully extending and transferring all my anger directly into him. The man's eyes widened as impacted was made and his momentum halted in an instant driving him upwards from the sheer force, a sickening crunch and snap filling the air. I ducked and rolled aside as his body did a semi twist and fell heavy and limp where I had just been. Blood and shattered teeth spewed from his lips but I knew he would not stand, the blow temporally parlaying his body. I had desire to escape but not to kill, he would live.

"Your making a big mistake." The final man shouted a short distance away and closing. I stood my ground. He, smarter then his allies, stopped short and crouched ready for conflict staring me down. I returned the stare in kind letting him see all the determination and resolve I held. He did not falter.

"Surrender now and return." The man commanded, I ignored.

"What your doing is reckless, right now you can still come out of this with a slap on the wrist. The hokage has demanded you not be harmed but if you do not return soon that order will be resended and you will be labelled a traitor. Do you understand?" The man spoke wisely and threatening and to his credit the threat was a potent one. No, no regrets, I started this I would finish it.

"I have nothing to say to you." I spoke indicating the end of negotiations, he accepted it with narrowed eyes like one would favour a impulsive child.

The battle began without warning, out blades holstered but our fists aflame. He was fast and stronger but I was not without my tricks and advantages. Our body's danced about, foot meeting defence block, fist meeting dodged air, grapple meeting counter.

Though at first we seemed matched it became clear I was the better and the man struggled against my assault, pushed back with every exchange. Finally I had opened his guard and took full advantage by securing his arm behind his back and subduing him in a chocking submission hold. He beat at my arm with his and elbowed me violent and painfully but I still held, held till his face turned purple and he finally passed out.

"Ouch..." I hissed stumbling a bit a hand on my bruised but hopefully unbroken ribs. I had no time to stand around, I had to make distance. I fled, just as before I aimed deeper into the forest, silent and swift. How long should I run, when was it safe to stop and read. I did not know.

As if answered by a divine power a small natural clearing opened before me with a large stone at its center and a beam of light illuminated it warmly. Here I decided. If I did not stop now I would always be on the run and never able to discover the truth.

Recklessly I threw the scroll to the ground and unrolled it violently letting it tumble across the clearing spilling all its forbidden secrets. I read, no I scanned. My name, where, where is it? it would have it. my eyes flew over the scroll seeking only one specific thing and nothing more. Words flew by but I did not retain them, they were forgotten the moment their identity was revealed not to be me.

From one end to the other, nothing. Again, back and forth, northing. A different name, a different phrase? I lifted a segment of the scroll teeth gritted and bearded behind my mask as I inspected closer. I did not exist in this scroll...

"You won't find what you're looking for." A charismatic voice laughed and my head and eyes shot up. Atop a branch sitting casually with legs dangling was Mizuki one of the academies instructors. How long had he sat there? I did not know and it infuriated me.

"What am I looking for?" I snarled venomously and he gave a soft laugh.

"Nothing I am allowed to speak to you about." His eyes hooded and I saw the evil in them at once. I did not know Mizuki but I had always suspected there was far more behind his charming smile and charisma.

"If you know then tell me." I growled in demand standing slow and stiff fully prepared to claim the answer through force.

"Whoa there, hold on!" He grinned broad and rose his hands in a placating motion. "I may not be able to speak with you about it but I didn't say I couldn't give you a hint."

I decided did not like this man, what game was he playing. Despite all the warning signs I happily joined the table and rolled the dice.

"A hint? But at what price?" I crossed my arms feeling no threat from him nor any hidden around us.

"Ahah, i knew you where a smart girl. To be honest I have always liked you and would have supported you but you know. Rules are rules." The man smirked and my eyes narrowed.

"Get to the point." I commanded and he sighed displeased at my attitude.

"Ok ok, miss, as you command." The man whined like a child and pushed off from the branch landing in the clearing not more than ten meters away. I took a defensive stance now and he paid it no mind.

"Lets see, a price, for a hint...." His eyes regarded me, slimy and lewd. immediately I felt shame and venerability and gave him the most hostile expression I could. He gave a soft laugh and motioned with his hand.

"Don't worry i'm afraid we wouldn't have time for such a price in any case." His words did not make me feel any less violated by the intentions he eluded too. Pacing back and forth he pondered and finally slammed fist into upturned palm.

"A price. You give me the scroll." He smiled innocently and bright making me feel off kilter. Wouldn't he take the scroll regardless, he was here to capture her right? No his game was far deeper then that, something was very wrong here.

"When I have my hint." I demanded wanting to see if he would make a slip.

"Well let's see... what is the big secret no one will speak of." He grinned as my temper rose. "I will say the reasons is as old as you are."

"As old as I am?" I asked as nothing jumped out at me. eighteen years.. eighteen years. What could have happened then... The most notable event was the Kyubi attack but how I was related was beyond my understanding.

"That's a terrible hint!" I complained throwing my arm to the side in anger. "I want a new one."

"Ah ah!" Mizuki waves his finger like she was a naughty child. "I said hint, and I gave you one. Are you saying you wont honour our deal?" I grit my teeth and stepped across the scroll placing myself between him and it.

"Another hint." I hissed low and deadly my rage flaring. He regarded me indifferently for a moment then sighed shrugging his shoulders.

"Fine I'm tried of this game. Do you want to know the truth? All of it?" He asked seriously and his words hit my like an attack and made me stumble back a step. He would tell me everything, but why? Why so suddenly... Why not stick with his game he seemed to have been enjoying.

"Tell me..." The words tore from my lips hoarse and pleading full of desperation.

"You are..."

"Stop it! Not another word Mizuki!" Another voice rang out interrupting Mizuki's words. Jerking to the side I saw 'him' the one that had denied my rightful graduation three times in a row. Iruka.

'Tell me!" I screamed turning towards Mizuki. No I needed to know, I needed to know now. Tell me, don't stop. Please!

"You are." Mizuki grinned finding sick satisfaction from Iruka's intervention. Iruka did not hesitate this time as he leapt for Mizuki with blade drawn, killing intent clear.

"One more word and you will be tried for treason." Iruka proclaimed slashing at Mizuki who had leapt away unharmed. Of the two I knew Mizuki was the stronger.

"The kyubi." The words where hoarse thick with sadistic amusement as Mizuki stared directly into my eyes. My world... it ended. I watched lifeless as Iruka advanced on Mizuki with a fury I had never seen proving the truth of the words.

I am.. the kyubi? Why did I not deny it, why was I accepting it so easily. The only answer was.. I had known. My legs shook and faltered crumbling below me as I collapsed sprawled atop them supported upright only by my arms. The demon that had whipped out half the village, ground ruts in the land with its massive tails and slain countless innocence.

Thought left me as a deep wallowing emptiness expanded chocking me, suffocating me in anguish. Tears poured down my cheeks and their appeared made my hand raise dampening my fingers as I stared with interest at them wondering why I was crying. I had finally found the answer I had wanted, the true reason for everything, I should not be crying I should be joyous and happy.

The clang and screech of blade upon blade ringing around me echoed hollowly in my ears. I was paralyzed and broken sitting alone in the center of the clearing. It all made scene... it really did. Every hardship i endured, all the scorn I received. Unprovoked, unwanted, but now known.... well disserved.

A piercing cry filled the air, Iruka's voice, blood curdled and shrill. My head swayed drunkenly till Iruka and Mizuki filled my vision. Iruka was pinned to the face of a tree by a blade though his chest, not fatal but potentially deadly. Mizuki drew the blade free and Iruka fell crumpled clutching his wound and glaring up defiantly.

They exchanged words my ears heard but my mind did not register. Casually Mizuki turned towards the scroll and rolled it closed stopping just behind me as he bound it with rope to his back. He pat me on the shoulder and offered me a gift I did not refuse. The blade that had pierced Iruka, he wrapped in my fingers condemning it as my crime.

"Good girl." he whispered as felt dazed and lifeless. I sat the blade burning in my palm and my instructors life ebbing before my eyes suffocating on his own blood. Mizuki gave a laughing goad to Iruka before leaping into the forest and out of sight.

"Naruko..." Iruka spat out blood as he laboured to breath crumpled to all fours barely able to support his weight. My eyes regarded him as if he did not exist, I did not care. I saw but I did not see, I heard but I did not hear. Nothing mattered, my world had died. There was nothing but the peaceful thump of my heartbeat in my ears.

"Naruko, you must stop him! He can't be allowed to escape with the scroll." Iruka pleaded with me and I gave no reply. He had known, they all had known. His parents had died in the kyubi attack so many years before, his hatred for me must have been as much as mine for him. No his surpassed mine, teaching the very one who murdered his parents... to day after day stare them in the face unable to say anything, to do anything...

"Naruko!" Iruka screamed and coughed violently contorted in agony and complicating his wound. My tears continued to flow steady as my expression remained blank. What could I say, what could I do. Did I disserved everything I have been victim of? Was it all punishment for crimes I could not know?

"Please! Please Naruko!" Iruka screamed again but my eyes grew focused, he was crying. Tears that rivalled my own poured down his cheeks as he stared at me, eyes rounded and pleading.

"I am..." I spoke, I did not know why I spoke or felt he was the one to speak to.

"You are not!" He barked with the same fury he held against Mizuki earlier. It startled me making me jerk back as if he had slapped me.

"But.." I began to plead and he would hear none of it.

"What Mizuki said was a lie! You are not the kyubi! I alone have right to say this as I watched you grow over theses years! You are not a monster!" He screamed and it felt like a very painful admission as bitter tears of betrayal and agony poured down his cheeks. It was not something he ever wanted to admit but I could see the truth in his eyes.

"But why... how come.." My voice broke and i felt like a child ready to burst into fitful sobs.

"Listen! Please Naruko! Listen..." Iruka breath strained collapsed completely to the ground now staring at me with one eye, the other squinted tightly shut in distress.

"That scroll is dangerous, very dangerous. I understand why you took it and don't blame you. But Mizuki, he will use it for evil. He has to be stopped. Naruko please, if you do this I will recognise you as a true ninja." Iruka eye was hard and serious and for a moment his cruel hard lectures returned to my ears. What the hell was I doing. I strived to be a ninja, but here I was collapsed crippled with emotion... a child.

"No..." I whispered hoarsely to myself condemning my actions and berating myself. For a moment Iruka believed my words to be denying his request but the fire in my eyes and my slow but steady climb to my feet told him otherwise.

"I always hated you. Always." Iruka spoke harshly. "For what you did... but I know in my heart it was not you. I only wanted someone to blame, someone to be responsible." Iruka closed his eyes panting as blood tricked from his lips. before he opened them once more I had already gone.

There was a darkness inside of me, a pit of hatred and ugly emotions I had always bottled up and locked away. They beat at my barriers and for the first time, I flung the doors wide and had no regret for the consequences. Mizuki had struck me with an attack i had no defence for, no immunities, no ability to avoid. The entirety of my being was as one, I was wrath and Mizuki my goal.

There... there he was just head. But how.. to soon, it was far too soon to have reached him. No, no thought, no care. Defeat him... kill him for what he has done. End it. The world in slow motion but me on fast forward I closed on him and witnessed in perfect clarity as he looked over his shoulder in mid jump. His eyes confused began to wide slowly, skin paling. and voice beginning to cry. No mercy...

I felt hollow and lifeless sitting with my wrists bound securely on a bench outside the hokage's office. Blood dried and caked to my cloth and skin, un cleansed. I waited and expected nothing, wanted nothing. Waited for my judgment, my verdict, my end.

Time had become muddled and confused since I intercepted Mizuki. No memory of the exchange, no memory of victory or defeat. His terrified gaze was the last my mind pictured before clarity returned, Iruka atop my back and scroll in hand as I as entered the village. I was met with violence pining me to the ground, binding me, blades at my throat. I longed for death but found only threat. Then I was here, sitting, waiting. How long, no way to tell.

".. ridicules... no.... won't stand for it." Broken sentences shouted broke through the thick doors filling my ears. The subject unimportant. I played with my bindings seeking distraction and amusement, impossible to remove. I stopped, no goal. Wait, just wait. No rush.

The door burst open and two livid elders marched passed favouring me with hatred. I showed no reaction. The guard to my right took my arm and without care dragged me forcefully into the office pushing me before the hokage's desk. He stood behind it looking out his grand window at all the village.

"Are you aware of your action?" The hokaeg question in a distant voice.

"Yes." I spoke flatly, no regrets.

"Very well." The hokage turned towards me and stared with humble eyes, eyes I had not expected. Sympathy? Pity? I did not like those eyes.

"You have been found guilty for your crimes." The hokage spoke not seeing the need to list them. "But in light of your heroism there has been a great debate." I remained silent unsure what the he was attempting to say.

"Mizuki was suspected of being a risk but we had no way to confirm it. Your selfish actions, your crime, managed to draw him out and confirm our suppositions. You have done a great service to the village but it does not excuse your crime. Had you failed to require the scroll the damage would have been immeasurable to the village. That being said you punishment has been decided." The hokage spoke and I was ready.

"A public flogging." The hokage stated and I grit my teeth, a far to lenient punishment. "Or..." he continued and it forced my gaze to rise. "You accept your graduation and continue to fight for the village but under veil of suspicion."

My heart stopped, had I heard correctly? A flogging, or everything I've dreamed of? Was this some sort of jest? Accept my graduation under suspicion meant no more than probation and enforced team activity to verify my loyalty. Common for all graduates.... The options spun in my head till I came to a crashing stop.

"I failed." I spoke flatly not hiding the tone of resentment I felt.

"Ah yes... well it seemed there had been a mix up with the paperwork." The hokage gave a soft smile. "Iruka has informed me quite adamantly that you are indeed a graduate."

"He lives?" I questioned, my concern genuine and a scapegoat to cover my disbelief at such words coming from Iruka.

"Yes, and will make a full recover. The same for the others." The hokage spoke and the images of the first team to find me flashed though her mind. I cringed thinking more punishment was due but no more was spoken on that subject.

"I... i will graduate sir." I bowed deeply my heart fluttering wildly in hope but prepared for a cruel betrayal. It never came.

"Very well. Report to the academy tomorrow and await assignment to a team and collection of your proof of graduation." The hokage nodded to the guard and with clear reluctance he unbound my bindings freeing me.

"Thank you sir." I spoke and the hokage gave a dismissive nod. I accepted it and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Smile Smile

Notes: Still looking for a pre reader, or beta reader. Sorry for all the melodrama-ness but things should be lighten up soon. You will notice the sudden change from last chapter, thanks to a certain review i decided to take a different story path. Let's see if it pans out.

Chapter 3

"A public flogging." The hokage stated and I grit my teeth, a far too lenient punishment. "Or..." he continued and it forced my gaze to rise. "You accept your graduation and continue to fight for the village but under veil of suspicion."

My heart stopped, had I heard correctly? A flogging, or everything I've dreamed of? Was this some sort of jest? Accept my graduation under suspicion meant no more than probation and enforced team activity to verify my loyalty. Common for all graduates.... The options spun in my head till I came to a crashing stop.

"I failed." I spoke flatly not hiding the tone of resentment I felt.

"Ah yes... well it seemed there had been a mix up with the paperwork." The hokage gave a soft smile. "Iruka has informed me quite adamantly that you are indeed a graduate."

"He lives?" I questioned, my concern genuine and a scapegoat to cover my disbelief at such words coming from Iruka.

"Yes, and will make a full recover. The same for the others." The hokage spoke and the images of the first team to find me flashed though her mind. I cringed thinking more punishment was due but no more was spoken on that subject.

"I... i will graduate sir." I bowed deeply my heart fluttering wildly in hope but prepared for a cruel betrayal. It never came.

"Very well. Report to the academy tomorrow and await assignment to a team and collection of your proof of graduation." The hokage nodded to the guard and with clear reluctance he unbound my bindings freeing me.

"Thank you sir." I spoke and the hokage gave a dismissive nod. I accepted it and left.

My eyes opened escaping the fairytale dream that had played in my head. Ha, if only reality had been so convenient. I hissed laying nude atop my futon except for my loincloth. Countless violent welts burnt across my back from the flogging I had chosen over my dream. The offer had tempted me but my pride betrayed me and my thoughts had been manipulated by the dark discovery of my past.

How dare they spit on me and expect me to honour them, to show loyalty towards them forsaking their crimes. Iruka's words wrung in my ears 'I only wanted someone to blame, someone to be responsible' and a blinding hatred overcame me.

The entire village was no different I could see it now. They hated me without fact, without cause, only a desire to sate their selfish needs for comfort. As long as I was a monster then it was ok the village was almost destroyed, their loved ones dead. I could be the target of all their emotions they were too weak to deal with, children. The entire village was full of children...

"Nnnn!" I whimpered aloud arching up from my stomach crawling to all fours and stood. My back stung terribly. I knew it would soon numb and heal as past experiences taught me, if only the same was true for my soul...

I truly wished I had not learned the truth, not from Mizuki and especially not from Iruka. Where I had expected relief and forgiveness within me I only found betrayal and hatred. I was bitter and scornful and refused to accept Iruka's words. To me they were nothing but childish pleas trying to excuse a crime that disserved no forgiveness. If I had hated him before... now... now I didn't know. I had no word to describe the raw grotesque feelings the raged within me, deeper then hatred.

I sensed the person outside my room before the knock came, my gaze already heavy on the door. At random I collected my orange gi top, one of many as the one i had worn the knight before was now in tatters. Sliding it on, its lose fabric hung to my mid thighs protecting my modesty but the large v necked collar exposed much of my chest, still, my breasts where mostly concealed. Opening the door I was momentarily alarmed to see a familiar face.

"Sakura." I stated flatly staring at an old acquaintance of mine. We had joined the academy at the same age so shared most of the same class's though the years until the first graduation where she succeeded and I failed. We had never been friends but had shared words on occasion. I didn't know what my towards her were anymore but i did know i was not happy to see her.

"I was sent to examine your wounds." Sakura spoke professionally, indifferent. Long time no see nice to see you too... Ha, she probably didn't even remember me, miss prodigy medic nin.

"I'm fine." I spoke and went to shut my door but it was blocked by her foot and hand holding it open. Immediately I felt anger boil inside of me. My sanctuary, my home, don't she dare try and control it.

"It's not a request." Sakura informed calmly. "Think of this as part of your punishment too if you must." She continued and this time i clearly detected the accusation and anger in her voice. I glared at her then decided i wanted her gone as soon as possible.

"Make it quick." I demanded and turned entering my home trying to ignore the fact she would follow. I sat on a chair beside the dining table and pulled the back of my gi up over my shoulders before wrapping my arms around the back of the chair which my chest leaned against. After a short silence and no action I glanced over my shoulder glaring.

"Well?" I hissed pulling Sakura from her stare at the state of my room. I was reminded again how i had detested the fact she was a spoiled princess. Not so much as another girl I recalled from the academy, but almost as bad. She was given every comfort she desired and all the love she could handle. It reopened searing wounds of jealousy i thought long healed and i was forced to cut my head away silently waiting again.

I didn't have to wait long as her hands soon traced my back gently, bringing fire to my wounds. I made no sound or even tensed as she went about whatever she was ordered to do. For a moment I thought her words where appropriate to think of this as part of my punishment, she certainly gave no care to the pain i felt as she handled me.

"You will be fine." She stated finally and i felt the overwhelming urge to strike her or give a venoms retort. Didn't i say that at the door? I withheld it and looked over my shoulder expecting her to go. She stared back but got the hint. Hesitantly she glanced around my room once more in a disapproving manner then turned reluctantly and left only stopping at my door to call over her shoulder.

"I never thought you of all people would try and betray the village." And then she was gone my door closing with a reverberating slam. Had Sakura remained to see my reaction she would of feared for her life at the expression i now wore.

"You of all people?" The words slipped bitterly from my throat. What did she mean by 'you of all people'. Where in the hell did that pampered princess get off saying such words? Our conversations could be counted on two hands and she believed she knew me? Believed she was qualified to make such a statement? Just who the hell did she think she was.

My anger raged like a maelstrom but all to quickly it evaporated, suffocated under the weight of recent events. I sighed and soon found myself smiling, grinning at the obscurity of my life. Soon my lips curled as i began to giggle then laugh, full chested forcing me to wince as it aggravated my wounds.

My laugher too did not last long as my emotions changed like a kaleidoscope only to stop on just one. loneliness. I was alone, completely and fully. I had always been but i deluded myself with beliefs those around me were companions and allies. I now knew how wrong and naive i had been. Too the village I was an eye sour, an outsider, a monster. And now with Sakura's words I was alone more than ever.

If there has been people giving me the benefit of the doubt... i perhaps had just lost all my credibility. The doubtful reassured i was deserving of my. For a moment i wondered if Teuchi would feel the same, the only friend i had in the entire village. Why wouldn't he? My flogging had been public and my crime announced.

I felt weak and a little sick at the thought but grind and smiled, it didn't mater did it? No, i survived alone, i was strong. I didn't need anyone's help, their companionship, their weakness. It was starting to become clear that all this time it was the village that needed me, not the other way around. If they didn't have me to blame, to oppress, their lives would have been damaged and chaotic struggling with a reality they wanted to deny. Why did i have to be scarified for them... let them rot with their childish feelings and cry when i was no longer around to comfort them with my suffering.

"Smile smile." I spoke with a strained smile trying to cover my feelings of loneliness. I had always liked those words, the favourite phrase of a young happy go lucky ninja in a manga i had once read as a child. She would right wrongs and save the day while making everyone around her smile and forget about their pains and hardships.

It was a silly unrealistic manga but i had always dreamed that ninja would one day visit my door and tell me to smile. She would conquer the great evil and free me from my life of oppression becoming a close friend in the process. After that she would take my hand and together we would go out into the world to do the same for others... A Childs fantasy... how pathetic. The smile soon became less strained and more natural, smile smile. I could do that at least. I could smile.

Standing i removed the gi top to carefully only to spend the next few minutes whimpering and suppressing hiss's of pain as i dressed properly. I would not wallow in self pity in my sanctuary, it would only taint the comfort it brought me. No, i would go out and show my face, my smile.

Leaving my home i began to walk aimlessly till my feet decided to lead me to a place i did not want to go. I looked ups staring hesitantly at the Ichiraku Ramen stand and i could hear Teuchi behind the curtains tending the cookers. I felt no hunger, not in the slightest, but i could not walk away. I was here for one reason alone... to confirm the damage i had done.

"Welcome please have a seat." Teuchi spoke glancing at me, no reaction. I sat. "What will it be?"

"Beef ramen." I replied and he gave a relaxed nod, soon i found the steaming bowl before me and i dug in. We didn't exchange words but it was not unusual for us so i relaxed and tried to enjoy the meal. Before i knew it i had finished, perhaps my emotions had masked my hunger. I stood reaching for my money to pay.

"500." Teuchi spoke his back to me, his voice as level as always. My heart stopped. So... so that's that then. My smile faltered but i endured and maintained it. I knew the menu by heart and he knew that. I had always paid without question and never accepted free meals, he knew that too. His statement of the price i had already intended to pay was a clear message.

"Thank you for the meal." I spoke, money on the counter turning to leave. "Sorry to have bothered you, i won't return again." I could sense his casual nod and the fact he posed no argument shattered my heart. Pushing though the curtains out into the street i couldn't have looked happier with the bight radiant smile on my lips but i doubted i had ever felt so terrible in my entire life.

My history with Teuchi danced though my mind. Bright and colourful full of happiness and excitement now growing cold, monotone, dead. I had lost something i would not get back and never in my life had i regretted anything as much as i did now. One last glance at the back of the man i had come to love as a father figure, and then i turned and left for the final time. Smile smile.

Hours passed as I wandered with no destination in mind. I was in shock and cared little for the events around me. People pointed and stared, I was a traitor, some even confronted me stopping me by blocking my path. They yelled scornfully and threatened attack but my serine smile and dead eyes placated them leaving them unnerved and confused.

Finally the cotton cleared from my ears as the static faded and the sounds of the forest broke though my defences. I stood within a familiar training ground looking downward at the long shadows cast by the evening sun. Why not?

Sighing I took a deep breath and prepared myself to train heedless of my condition or emotional state. I did not think twice as I began to warm up then jumped right into a high level kata with my blade slicing at an army of phantom foes. This... this right now... right here... it was nice...

My lips parted still holding the serine smile, my eyes still lifeless but now hooded with euphoria. I could only depend on myself, no one else. Companionship, it made you weak, it brought pain. No i didn't need any of that, i didn't need anyone or anything. Just this, this deadly dance, this strength, this body... me. Only me and nothing more.

Sweat beaded on my flesh as i pushed harder and further, my body burning screaming for mercy, i showed none. The more i pushed the brighter my smile became, i was strong. Strong enough for this, strong enough for anything. Life returned to my eyes and laughter burst from my lips as i blurred about fighting of a hundred foes.

Not enough.. this wasn't enough! I was drunk on my euphoria, my battle lust, it threatened to drown me and i opened my lungs wide in acceptance. But like all good things in my life this too came to a sudden and abrupt end as my exhaustion took hold casing me to slip and fall to all fours. Ankle twisted, an armatures mistake.

I panted ragged and hoarse attempting to replenish my strength. My body burned heated and ablaze with new stress and injury. My hair matted wetly to my neck and back from sweat and blood. My nose wrinkled at the potent musk of it and i knew i had aggravated my wounds which now bled freely. I paid it no mind as such gashes were far from life threatening, untreated or not.

"Ahh i feel better." I spoke aloud collapsing on my thighs, legs under me and looked up into the starry night sky. I smiled, this time genuinely. I really did feel better, my workout having used my negative feelings as fuel and burnt them all away. I felt empty and hollow but no longer anguished.

"Honestly why was i so upset?" I asked running my fingers though my long matted hair giving myself a soft laugh. It was a swift uncaring movement, the one that severed my hair from scalp. In a trance I sat cutting my hair with the sharp edge of a kuna. I had loved my hair, taken pride in it, now it seemed so pointless. So vain.

Before long all evidence of my long hair had been butchered. My hair now cut short just below my ears, my neck exposed but concealed below my elastic mask. If the world desired to take everything i cherished then i would take it first. It couldn't hurt me now, i knew its game, their game. If i refused to play by the rule well then...

"You can't hurt me anymore." I goaded quietly to the stars feeling no sympathy for the river of hair discarded on the ground, tainted with my sweat and blood. My eyes closed and i was at peace. Happily alone, and Free...

"But..." I spoke again eyes opening hooded and dulled with vengeance. "Don't think i will forgive you." If the world or the village felt threatened by my words they did not voice it and i hung my head overcome with weakness. I wanted to go home but i knew i would not make it. My eyes closed once more as i slumped forward surrendering to darkness.

Morning came and so did the thick smell of antiseptic. The hospital, it figured I'd wake up here. I did not rush my wakening instead i relaxed and let myself drift back and forth but it was all too soon before my aching body roused me. My eyes opened and stung from the blinding gaze of the sun that filtered though my window.

To my left a nurse noticed me and favoured me with open resentment slamming my patient chart into the holder on the wall. It looked as if i had been watched over till i woke and now that i had the nurse stood and left showing me as much hostility as possible. The door slammed, i smiled.

Sooner then i expected it opened once more revealing Sakura who entered the room with an angry scowl on her lips. To meet her twice in as many days... trick of fate i suppose. My smile light and soft i cast my eyes away back out the window my expression care free.

"I am here to take your report on the events of last night." Sakura spoke tightly as she pulled the nurses chair beside my bed and took seat. Report? Why? Oh... they probably think my battered condition was due to personal vengeance from the village. Funny... if such a event happened wouldn't they be hailed as hero's?

"Report?" I questioned distantly decided to make a game of this. I couldn't let them have all the fun anymore...

"Yes." Sakura spoke again in the same voice. "Of what happened last night to put you in such a state..."

"I don't want to talk about it." My voice wavered, intentional of course. Sakura took the bait as i knew she would.

"Please..." Her voice softened. "Tell me what happened."

"I..." I hesitated for a time letting Sakura think i was struggling with memories. "They followed me to the training area..." Sakura gave a nod and began to take note, my soft smile curled slightly, wickedly.

"Go on." Sakura comforted.

"I ignored them at first, training... taking my mind of things. They noticed my weakness..." I continues, my voice hollow. "They said they wanted to help me train... i told them no... but they..." I paused there and could almost feel the sympathy rolling of Sakura. She may have disliked me but she was so sheltered, such terrifying event probably made her heart go out to me. I was enjoying this.

"Then what...?" Sakura in the smallest softest voice she could placed her hand on my shoulder in reassurance. Had the event been real Sakura's touch would have been just as unwelcome then as it was now, but i went with it shaking slightly trying to hide the laughter in my chest. She mistook it for anguish.

"They chased me... cornered... me.. then they... they they...." My voice tightened, her grip following suit. "They held me down... one after another... until.. until they were satisfied... They cut my hair... left me..."

"I'm so sorry." Sakura's hand trembled and i could smell the salt from her tears welled up in her eyes. This was too much i couldn't go on. I exploded in laughter and immediately regretted it chocking and whimpering as my body cried in pain. It didn't feel like i had be privileged to any healing. Ass holes...

"Calm down... hold still." Sakura panicked and restrained me pinning my shoulders to the bed half leaning over me. My face contorted in terror staring up at her..

"Please.. no..." I whimpered and her eyes rounded in horror backing away immediately. My Laughter resumed and she finally began to clue in. Her expression turned from realization to betrayal to rage. I almost had to duck to avoid the notebook she threw at me in her temper.

"Do you think this is some kind of game!?" She demanded livid and i smiled sticking my tongue out at her cutely. It almost looked as if she would turn into some beast and snarl at me but she restrained herself.

"What really happened?" She demanded though clenched teeth.

"I told you i trained all night." I sighed and hissed a little pain throbbing though me I laid back limp and relaxed.

"Your telling me you got all those injury's from training?" She didn't believe me but it was the truth.

"You don't have to believe me." I stated flatly uncaring. "Make up whatever story you want, i don't care."

"Look if you where attacked you can tell me!" Sakura shouted and i wanted to laugh more but mood had passed. She continued to hover and i held my tongue. Finally she lost her patients and turned to leave.

"I never thought someone like you would give a crap about someone like me." I stated off handily but my resentment was clear. It caused Sakura to pause mid step at the door.

"Your still a human being." She spoke hoarsely and slamming the door. She missed my hollow reply.

"I don't know about that..."


End file.
